i can't name the title for this. but it's sumtin for me to ponder.

2010 is approaching. I should have made an end-year report of 2009 by now.

Actually, I thought 2009 was gonna take me to another level and I thought I could achieve something great for myself. Now, I could say that what I’ve encountered so far haven’t brought much change to myself. I changed for the better ( a slight change). But what do I gain in return? I guess nothing. I feel betrayed. At some point, I do regret of things I’ve done this year. What was I thinking?

I wanted things to be proper and better. I wanted to have more souls close to mine, I wanted to be accepted in a larger group of people. I wanted to achieve and improve myself. Yet, it was quite like a dirty and rough game. I was persuaded and tempted. And so, I gave in though how much I refused and hesitated to start the similar game again. I knew how it feels like if I lose in this game. I fell, I stumbled, I knocked myself and badly hurt before.

Since the beginning, I knew it wasn’t a good one. But I gave it a try. I think, until now I’m still giving in. After so long shutting myself down, I wanted to take a new breath. I felt it. I feel it. Now, I feel so much betrayed. I don’t trust this world. I don’t trust this game I’m in. They’re cheating and they are fooling me.

A decision has been made. After quite a long time of consideration, I determine to quit all these. I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of lying to myself. I’m sick of getting the blade stab through my heart.

So, soon, slowly I’m leaving this game. I surrender.

I found souls, lovely souls (my first impression) getting closer to me. I wanted to appreciate them. But I had a second thought. Do I have to be thankful for getting the new souls? Have they been really sincere and real? I can’t read these souls at all. But deep down inside, I feel that mine and theirs are like parasites. Close to each other for benefits. So, a NO from me! they aren’t trustworthy. The souls are unacceptable. Before they suck more blood out of me, I better leave them.

But how do I deal with it? If I were to leave all these behind..what will come to me? I’m too fearful of how do I restart with a new life. I’ve been too much depending on them. I’m afraid to move on. I don’t know what it’s like to be on my own again.